We spent a long weekend in Boston recently, first for the memorial service of David's beloved Grandmother, Collette Philpott. Secondly, since we had to be up there anyway, we treated ourselves to the beautiful Boston Harbor Hotel! And what a treat it was! Almost like second honeymoon, since the kids stayed in Arkansas with Nana! Also, while there, we visited with some of David's family, an Aunt and Uncle and a couple cousins. We had a really nice time.
We got back home, and our Realtor, wonderful lady that she is, Kathi Merritt (lol) has sold our personal home-which is a good thing. Since David is a builder, the last 4 houses we have lived in, we have "flipped." Which means, we purchase them cheaper than the appraisal value, make repairs and upgradesw while we live in them and then we sell them at a profit. This is small way we earn a living. And now we have sold our current house and are in the process of finding that next "fixer upper." And we may have found it. A larger house that would allow our family plenty of room as well as the extra foster kid we take from time to time. Actually, this house would allow us to take a sibling group of two, as they could share a room together and our kids would have their own space-which has a been a compromise before. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. So all this has added to the craziness...
But, here's what I want to talk about: I want to talk about Adopted kids vs biological kids and whats "normal." First of all, I think we would all be in agreement that normal, kind of like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. For instance, for my kids, it's normal (eek!) to move every 3-4 years. For some kids, they live in the same house all their lives and then only move to go to college. My kids think its normal to have a working Mom. Other kids might find it odd that Mom doesn't work from home. My point is, there is only the normal that your perceive.
When we first began talking about adoption to our friends and family, we had a lot of prayers going up, I know. Everyone has an opinion on adoption. Then when we said we wanted to adopt an older child-well, even the ones that had been realtivly positive about the choice became quite negative. "You never know what you're getting." "What if..." and so much more. Luckily, at the time, we had a close friend that was having all kinds of trouble with her biological teenage son. He was into everyting. Drugs, bad crowd, in troublde with the law, just everything. It seemed he was on the path to total self destruction. We felt as if any day we would get a call that he had been killed. Talk about turmoil! But he was biological!! He has a perfect Mother! Divorced from Dad, but under no choice of her own. She did everything right, yet this precious boy we had all known was living recklessly. I used to think he was acting a lot like my bio-Dad-who was ADOPTED! Quickly, I came to see, bio kids, adopted kids, it makes no difference. Kids are kids. You do absolutly all you can and teach them the way of the Lord; sometimes tho...Life takes over. So we kept with the theory that we would give it a shot and do our best. We would have to see for ourselves! Plus, we had the experience of having a bio child first, so having any kids in our home, we at least had experience.
I'm glad we did things that way. So many times with Presley, she will do something, maybe argue or sass or disobey alltogehter, and we'll punish her or discipline as appropriate. But I'll think in my head, if she had been adopted, would I have handled this different? Would I have wrote this behavior off as "well she is adopted?" Would I have excused the behavior? Would anything be different? Enstead, because she is biological, it's easy for me to discipline and then think, "she is just like me!" or, "she gets that from David!" Or whatever the excuse might be.
With adopted kids, I have sort of platform to work with. When Addy is playing outside with neighbor kids and doesn't want to come in to use the bathroom and has an accident...I don't think, "O my gosh! she's adopted! What does this mean-she peed her pants??" lol, I just think, "she was too busy to pee!" Or if she or John sass me or disobey, I can discern what is normal "pushing the limits" or what could be an issue that may need counseling to resolve. And let me say here, one example is no need to run to the counselor!
I have a dear friend that adopted two little babies from another country. They had no bio children to begin with and it seems every little thing her kids do now, she questions. 'Do normal 5 year olds throw tantrums?' 'Should my toddler cling to me?' 'My daughter has to argue with everyting I say!' Things that seem so normal, if not agt least challenging to me, may be harder on a parent that has never parented before.
Then I've heard the sad stories...there's one of some parents that adopted a 3 year old out of foster care. But when he stuck a bean up his 5 year old (adopted) sisters nose, they returned him to foster care-for fear of their daughters life!
Another one I heard recently, a little boy was being adopted in to a home with older siblings. He had suffered great physical abuse, but had to be returned to care because the family was unable to discipline him and he was "out of control."
These kids really do just need love and structure. I encourage all foster parents and adoptive parents to find a support system. A group that can help you in many different ways. In White County we have a Foster Parents Association that offeres support and services to the families in our counties. And lets not forget the real Child Rearing Handbook-the Bible. Proverbs 22:6 is very specific; "Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart." I know this to be fact. That friends child I mentioned earlier? He is now in Law School studying to be a lawyer! More importantly, he is clean and Goldly!
So, if you are an adoptive parent, foster parent, whatever, number one I would say, read the instruction manual-the Bible. It's all in there. And don't second guess yourself. We all make mistakes. You're doing fine.
I would also say, it is very important to find a good, christian counselor. Someone with experience. A good christian counselor will have a Godly basis for what they do and say. In Searcy, I recommend Families INC and I can recommend counselors too.
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