Its a Small World After All

Sometimes, it seems the Lord just continues to bless me with one gift after another!  He bestowed on me another gift this week; but not only a gift for me but also for John.

John has been spending time hanging out with a buddy on his football team.  For the last couple of weekends John and his buddy Grant have nearly been inseperable.  John tried to explain to me, "Mom, we just seem to have a bond! We like to do all the same things!"  Things like fish and hunt and football and golf and playing war and hanging out.  Grant's a great kid, so we didn't mind, but also John had some responsabilities at home, however, Grant seemed just as content to help John do his chores, so we let him stay over the last few weekends. 

Then , finally, John got an opportunity to spend a few hours with Grant and his family, that live in the country, just outside of Searcy.  The boys had fun doing all the things they like to do. But in the course of conversation, it was discovered that Grant's Mom, who is a school teacher, used to be a teacher in the small town northwest of here that John spent his first 5 years.  John and Grant used to go to the same school!!

Now, without telling much of John's story, because that's his story to tell, not mine, I'll just say John's life was obviously horrible before he went into foster care at the age of 5.  The things he went through....it's devestating and horrible and sad. Sometimes, if I dwell on it, I get angry, because as a parent I feel like somehow I should have known and saved him.  I should have been there...but that's impossible and I have to move on.  Anyway, John's life took a drastic turn when he was 5 and he began a brand new journey, all alone and by himself. 

John has pictures of his past.  Pictures of him as a toddler and with various caretakers and biological family members.  From about age 4 to age 9 1/2 we had nothing.  Actually this is a whole lot more than a lot of foster kids have/had so we've been pretty content to have what we did. 

So, back to Grant and his Mom.  Grant's Mom went to her old yearbooks and started texting me pictures of my little boy taken when he was about 4, maybe 5 years old.  Adorable pictures.  Pictures I wish I could have combed his hair for him that day.  Pictures I would have given anything to buy a cute shirt for him for picture day.  Pictures that I wish so much I had been there to purchase and put in a little school book for him.  As a parent, it also broke my heart to look at his little eyes and try to picture some of what he went through as a child.  Lord, it just breaks your heart...for any kid to go through what foster kids go through.  You gotta know, kids don't ask to get put in foster care.  They don't ask for abuse and to be neglected. Then to get taken from the only home they have ever known-even a home that has no electricity, no running water, no bed for the kids to sleep on, parents that are too cracked out to notice.  Then like a mixture of a bad dream and a fantasy world, you get put in a warm home that has a toilet (maybe 2), plenty of food and regular bedtimes.  No yelling.  No strangers (after you get to know the family.)  Water from a tap at the sink-in the kitchen!!  I look at this little boy and then at the little man I have now.  Wow, what a blessing!  We met John when he was 9.  Got him when he was 10 and formally adopted him when he was 12.  But he was always meant to be a Philpott.  And meant to be Presley and Addy's brother.  And meant to be the son of David and Lola Philpott.  Man, we love him!  And God saw him through some hard times...2 Timothy 1:7 said, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but the power and of love and of a sound mind."  Me and David had a little plaque in our home that reads this scripture in our house ever since we first got married.  That scripture proves that the Lord carried John through his troubled times.  Talk about footprints!  And a sound mind...John knows God had a plan too.   We have all been so blessed.  

I remember when Presley used to pray at nighttime for a "big brother."  I used to laugh to myself and think, "well how in the World does she expect that to happen?"  I guess I forgot Matthew 21:22, "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing you will receive." I mean it makes me laugh a little.  But I should never have doubted the Lord.  Even as she prayed, he was preparing John in his other foster home(s) for our home.  He was building John Philpott.  Thank you Jesus for the perfect son!  Thank you God for sending your son....

Again, I beg y'all, please pray for a way to help foster children.  If you're able at all, please consider fostering.  Please consider older children-they need homes and help and love too.  We got a new 17 year old this week that is so good, he just needs someone.  But I think mostly about our "older child."  Our 10 year old.  In foster care, when a child's parental rights have been terminated, their chances of adoption decrease with every birthday.  Lots of people are willing to adopt a healthy baby.  Fewer people consider a baby with health problems.  Fewer yet consider black or hispanic babies.  As a child gets older, with each year, their chances of adoption get slimmer and slimmer.  In Arkansas alone there are hundreds of children, from newborns all the way to 17 years old that need permanent homes.  That want permanent homes.  That need loving, supporting homes. I have a bio child, a child adopted as a baby and a child adopted as an "older child" and I'm tryin' to tell ya, the love is the same and equall for all the kids. You CAN love them as "your own." 

Tangent: speaking of "as your own."  I HATE and I think other adoptive parents feel the same, I HATE when people say, "How many kids of your own do you have?"  I understand the innocence of the question and most people mean nothing by it.  But these kids are ALL MY OWN.  Blood, obviously, doesn't make a child yours.  Blood doesn't make you a parent.  Love makes a parent.  That is all. 

Thanks for reading...and thank you Shannon Holeyfield for an aswesome gift-my kids school pictures!! :)
Lola Philpott
 

New Kid on the Block

I don't think foster parenting ever gets routine. If it does, you are probably doing something wrong! 

For the most part, getting a new kid goes something like this: Caseworker calls you and asks if you're interested in a particular kid.  Usually you get an age and sex.  Like a 4 year old female or a 17 year old male.  Then I have about a thousand questions I ask. One my first questions is the type of abuse or neglect.  I want to know what we may be getting ourselves into.  Then I want to know things like, any meds, any behavioral problems at school or in other homes, any siblings, any visits, school and grade...all these questions if answered, give me an idea about a kid we are about to allow to live in our home with our family.  And I say if, because, Caseworkers can only share the information they have.  If it's not documented, they may not know the answer. 

After I have my brains loaded, as my Ma used to say, then I call David and we discuss the logistics of it all.  We have to consider routine, as David drives the kids to school in the morning, he has enough stops with our three kids going to 3 different schools and daycare. We try to avoid adding 1 more stop.  So, if a kid can go to school where we already have one, its usually all good. Then me and David discuss possible conflicts our own kids may have with the new one.  For instance, a shy, quiet girl may have a hard time with Presley and Addy, since they are rambunctious and rowdy sometimes.  A teen age boy close to John's age may have animosity with John or vice versa if they have to both compete for our time and attention.  We try to pad the ages by at least a few years.

Something else we try to do is talk to Presley and John about the kid first.  They're usually on board and I don't know that they have ever just said no, but we always consider our own kids first and foremost.  Today was a little different though...the kids were in school.  So we agreed to Jordan (our new one) on sort of a trial basis. Because the bottom line is, not all families work for all foster kids.  He may decide he wants to go somewhere else in a week anyway. However, when I picked the kids up from school and told them, both were very excited at the new prospect of an older brother.  And we have hope that this kid will be with us until he is reunited with his Dad. 

When a foster child first comes into our home, I find it very important to first, go over the rules.  Most our rules are simple; respect for yourself, our family and others.  We prefer "yes ma'am and no ma'am" and there will be chores and you will work.  We build houses and it is a family business.  We've had 16 year old girls throw sod and even Addy has been helping pick up trash at job sites since she was at least 3 years old.  Everybody is important and everybody has a piece to our puzzle.  And David always reminds the kids, "while you're here, you're a Philpott." We treat them the same as our kids.  Same rules.  Same consequences.  The discipline may be a tad different, but it would be that way no matter what, because no two kids respond the same any kinda way.  And I can't imagine using corporal punishment on a child that had been severly abused. Any kind of discipline should be done in love anyways, so that varies depending on the child and circumstance. 

After the rules, I'll let the kid know whats expected of them in our home.  Make your bed, brush your teeth, no smoking, no cussing, etc...simple things, but you would be surprised what kind of backgrounds these kids come from. I've seen little kids come in, 8 years old and have watched movies that even I as an adult won't look at!  8 year olds watching Saw is crazy!!  So, I let them know right up front what is expected and what they can expect here. And I always remind them that they are safe here.  We won't hurt them. 

As I show them around the house and explain where things are kept, I also remind them, their bed is their own.  Nobody else should be on it.  That is their place.  I had one kid tell me, his first night in foster care, when he was 5 years old, he wasn't at all scared.  He said he just kept thinking how wonderful it was to have a bed!  He had never had one to sleep in before!  Other kids may have had a bed, but had to share it, either with other siblings (which is somewhat tolerable) or worse, with Mom and all her "boyfriends."  Sometimes, they've had a bed, but never any bed sheets, maybe just an old comforter. I always try to make their bed up and make it look all good and comfy before they get here. 

Another "trick" I like to do to make a kid feel welcome is bake some fresh cookies.  Usually I like homemade, but in a pinch, I'll use the pre-cut ones from the frozen food section at the grocery store.  Thats an old trick I've learned from being around Realtors and building houses.  Nothing says lovin' like something from the oven!!

Speakin' of lovin' I think it's time to put some cookies on and get ready for our new kid tonite.  Jordan.  I hope he's a good one!  We've had a perfect record of 18 perfect gifts from God.  We've just never had a "bad" foster kid.  We've never had one that didn't "work out."  God always has a plan and I plan to always have God.  We'll be fine.  Please cotinue to pray for our family as it grows and as it expands. 

Thanks for readin'
Lola Philpott!

It's been a crazy last few weeks and we haven't even had any foster kids! 

We spent a long weekend in Boston recently, first for the memorial service of David's beloved Grandmother, Collette Philpott.  Secondly, since we had to be up there anyway, we treated ourselves to the beautiful Boston Harbor Hotel!  And what a treat it was!  Almost like  second honeymoon, since the kids stayed in Arkansas with Nana!  Also, while there, we visited with some of David's family, an Aunt and Uncle and a couple cousins.  We had a really nice time. 

We got back home, and our Realtor, wonderful lady that she is, Kathi Merritt (lol) has sold our personal home-which is a good thing.  Since David is a builder, the last 4 houses we have lived in, we have "flipped."  Which means, we purchase them cheaper than the appraisal value, make repairs and upgradesw while we live in them and then we sell them at a profit.  This is small way we earn a living.  And now we have sold our current house and are in the process of finding that next "fixer upper."  And we may have found it.  A larger house that would allow our family plenty of room as well as the extra foster kid we take from time to time. Actually, this house would allow us to take a sibling group of two, as they could share a room together and our kids would have their own space-which has a been a compromise before. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. So all this has added to the craziness...

But, here's what I want to talk about:  I want to talk about Adopted kids vs biological kids and whats "normal."  First of all, I think we would all be in agreement that normal, kind of like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  For instance, for my kids, it's normal (eek!) to move every 3-4 years.  For some kids, they live in the same house all their lives and then only move to go to college.  My kids think its normal to have a working Mom.  Other kids might find it odd that Mom doesn't work from home.  My point is, there is only the normal that your perceive. 
When we first began talking about adoption to our friends and family, we had a lot of prayers going up, I know.  Everyone has an opinion on adoption.  Then when we said we wanted to adopt an older child-well, even the ones that had been realtivly positive about the choice became quite negative. "You never know what you're getting."  "What if..." and so much more.  Luckily, at the time, we had a close friend that was having all kinds of trouble with her biological teenage son.  He was into everyting.  Drugs, bad crowd, in troublde with the law, just everything.  It seemed he was on the path to total self destruction.  We felt as if any day we would get a call that he had been killed.  Talk about turmoil!  But he was biological!! He has a perfect Mother!  Divorced from Dad, but under no choice of her own.  She did everything right, yet this precious boy we had all known was living recklessly.  I used to think he was acting a lot like my bio-Dad-who was ADOPTED!  Quickly, I came to see, bio kids, adopted kids, it makes no difference.  Kids are kids.  You do absolutly all you can and teach them the way of the Lord; sometimes tho...Life takes over.  So we kept with the theory that we would give it a shot and do our best.  We would have to see for ourselves!  Plus, we had the experience of having a bio child first, so having any kids in our home, we at least had experience. 
I'm glad we did things that way.  So many times with Presley, she will do something, maybe argue or sass or disobey alltogehter, and we'll punish her or discipline as appropriate.  But I'll think in my head, if she had been adopted, would I have handled this different?  Would I have wrote this behavior off as "well she is adopted?"  Would I have excused the behavior?  Would anything be different?  Enstead, because she is biological, it's easy for me to discipline and then think, "she is just like me!" or, "she gets that from David!"  Or whatever the excuse might be.
With adopted kids, I have sort of platform to work with.  When Addy is playing outside with neighbor kids and doesn't want to come in to use the bathroom and has an accident...I don't think, "O my gosh! she's adopted!  What does this mean-she peed her pants??"   lol, I just think, "she was too busy to pee!" Or if she or John sass me or disobey, I can discern what is normal "pushing the limits" or what could be an issue that may need counseling to resolve.  And let me say here, one example is no need to run to the counselor! 
I have a dear friend that adopted two little babies from another country.  They had no bio children to begin with and it seems every little thing her kids do now, she questions.  'Do normal 5 year olds throw tantrums?' 'Should my toddler cling to me?' 'My daughter has to argue with everyting I say!' Things that seem so normal, if not agt least challenging to me, may be harder on a parent that has never parented before.
Then I've heard the sad stories...there's one of some parents that adopted a 3 year old out of foster care.  But when he stuck a bean up his 5 year old (adopted) sisters nose, they returned him to foster care-for fear of their daughters life! 
Another one I heard recently, a little boy was being adopted in to a home with older siblings.  He had suffered great physical abuse, but had to be returned to care because the family was unable to discipline him and he was "out of control."
These kids really do just need love and structure.  I encourage all foster parents and adoptive parents to find a support system.  A group that can help you in many different ways.  In White County we have a Foster Parents Association that offeres support and services to the families in our counties.  And lets not forget the real Child Rearing Handbook-the Bible.  Proverbs 22:6 is very specific; "Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart."  I know this to be fact. That friends child I mentioned earlier?  He is now in Law School studying to be a lawyer!  More importantly, he is clean and Goldly! 
So, if you are an adoptive parent, foster parent, whatever, number one I would say, read the instruction manual-the Bible.  It's all in there. And don't second guess yourself.  We all make mistakes. You're doing fine. 
I would also say, it is very important to find a good, christian counselor.  Someone with experience.  A good christian counselor will have a Godly basis for what they do and say. In Searcy, I recommend Families INC and I can recommend counselors too. 



...the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity...

Boy this heat is about to wear me out! 104 today and 107 tomorrow-that's hot even for Arkansas! 

Well, I think I said in the very beginning of this blog and I know I've said it before, but sometimes that little thing a lot of people were born with, that thing that lets you censor what you say and makes you say the right things...well, I didn't get one of those.  Sometimes, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or the right thing but in the wrong way.  This past week, I said something that I still say was the right thing, but totally in the wrong way!  The worst part of it, is I offended some people that I care very much about and I would never want to hurt them intentionally! Since I said it on Facebook, I apologized on Facebook.  Facebook can get a lot of people in trouble, because you can't read intent or deliverance.  At this point it doesn't matter what I said, but, I had some great people call me on it.  All that said something questioned my motive, but did so with love.  In fact, my brother in law was quick to site one of his favorite Bible verses, James 3:5-6, "Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.  See how great a forest a little fire kindles.  And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity..."  A great reminder that my tongue can and does get me in trouble! It's been like this since I was a kid and I would say it's an inherited trait, as many in our family posses this trait! :)  However, that is not an excuse and as I would tell my kids, in my sternest Mommy voice, "If you know it's a problem, than you should be even more careful to guard yourself!"  I messed up. I was inconsiderate.  Then the mail came....

In the mail that day was my Thriving Family magazine, a Focus on the Family publication that we enjoy about every other month.  And what do you think there was an article about?  Being considerate of every body's feelings.  Basically, keeping your mouth (and Facebook) shut!  If you don't have anything nice to say...I think the headline actually read: LOLA!  THIS IS FOR YOU!  Maybe not exactly, but close enough.  I got the point.  The article had a really cool exercise for kids to do to teach this lesson.  To bring it home.  I decided to do it that night! 

That evening, I told the kids what I had done.  One of 'em even said, "Mom that ain't nothin'.  You always say stuff; it doesn't mean  you mean anything by it!"  (ouch!) But that's my point.  I told them we should always be careful of the things we do and say because it can be taken the wrong way or it can hurt someone.  It doesn't matter if I thought it was a "vent" or a "rant" the point is, I possibly hurt some people that I care about. 

We each put a raw egg in a small brown paper bag and had to carry it around for an hour.  The egg represented "feelings" and the point was to be careful and not break or damage the egg.  Now, for Addy, I had to modify this a little.  There's a not a point big enough to prove to send a 4 year old around the house with a raw egg!  Sorry!  Her egg was confined the living room and dining room. Anyways, the rest of us carried the egg in the bag and we all made some really good observations. 

It was difficult for me to go about my usual afternoon of cooking and cleaning, while hanging on to (an egg) someones feelings.  I had to think about what was in my other hand and had to be careful not to bang it on things if I got in a hurry.  John said it was hard because he just kept wanting to put it down. Isn't that a little like ignoring others feelings and just acting like their not there? Presley wanted to name her egg and she drew a little design on it...I think she is definitely the more caring person in the family!  lol, She went the extra mile.  And I'm sad to say, Addy played with hers and broke it and the only thing she said she learned was "eggs break too easy!"  But actually, isn't that the point exactly? 

So, it's been a crazy week, marked by my being a goof ball and hopefully teaching the kids to learn from MY mistakes!  I think we have so many opportunities, without making mistakes to teach our kids these valuable lessons.  I just hope to do my best.  Let me leave you with one of my favorite verses, nonetheless.  At work, we call this "the Dispatchers Prayer" but again, it seems to scream my name! Col 4:6 "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." I hope I have the grace, I know I have the salt and I pray that I can know how to answer each one! 

Thanks for reading!  And have an awesome rest of the week!   

Lola Philpott